Isn’t that a reverse of usual.
Tag Archives: time
This is nothing to brag about – in fact it should be mortifying but I finally got all the Christmas.Birthday presents organized, wrapped and packed up. I love gift making and sending so much that I seem to create a whole lot of pressure for myself and thusly a major block for getting gifts out remotely on time. It is horrible… and then I end up feeling dreadful about it and it takes some of the joy out of it. For the little people in my life I got the most awesome presents, a toque that has robots on it (!!) and a bear that matched the dress she wore to our wedding – a matching bear (!!) it was totally awesome… but it would have been far more awesome if the Christmas gifts had been there on time. Just another thing I can beat myself over… it is a very high priority for me and not something that is important to the husband thus it doesn’t get prioritized when I am doing the sick… and so it is shuffled to the back of the line and I feel horrible about it and get sick and the cycle continues. I need to unpack why I allow this to happen and what I can do to break the guilty cycle around “on time” present giving… if anyone has any insight I am all over that… because as of right now I am feeling guilt about getting it all done – I mean the presents are handmade, beautifully wrapped, from the heart and only 6 weeks late … I need to fucking lighten up…
Did I also mention that I am grappling with my mental health lately? Anxiety is through the fucking roof…
Personally I love getting gifts late.
I mean, it’s like the holidays are over and things are getting all normal again and then…
Present! Surprise!
This picture is from way back summer 2009.
Time moves fast, doesn’t it?
I have fond memories of sorting through the immense number of rocks in my room to find some pretty ones to play mancala with with Erik Sin. I remember I used to wish I could find the ones Myles originally collected for me when he gave me this game for my birthday way back in the days I had parties on the beach with Mat. I can still remember unwrapping it from newspaper sitting at a old, weathered picnic table in the shade. My memories of the beach feel like daydreams sometimes. I can remember slipping out of clothes and into cold water, searching for tiny shells with Saja, playing house with the gang in patches of trees and gleefully running away with the squirt gun, hot sand, shortcuts down the path, sleeping under the stars when there were meteor showers, and making tattoos out of the milky sticky centre of a plant near the water and crushed charcoal. However, some memories are less certain. Mazes in the woods ending in campsites and old furniture, running off in to the woods and kissing, structures and designs made out of rocks and wood and distorted time lines.
Thinking back through moments reminds me how many there are, how much I’ve experience and changed. There are stories there.
It also makes me a little sad that I forget. That I lose touch with memories and many many people who have affected me over years and years and years. But I try to be happy, because time does not slow for sadness, and there is the present in all its glory to attend to.
Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through
Ira Glass (via Rabbit Write’s interview on Gala Darling)
This all sounds oddly familiar and comforting.
Today it snowed and I thought – ugh, cold and wet. And Thursday was tricky. But then I thought about the Christmas tree outside of Saint Paul’s, and eating dinner all together, with oranges after. Eating Christmas canes at two events in the same day and the girls listening to Christmas music and decorating our hall on a Friday night. So, when I finally went outside today and smelled the clean smell of snow, and my boyfriend pointed out the snowman he made, I thought, what’s the point of resisting this. Snow can be nice, Christmas is coming, and there’s no way to stop time.
Merry Christmas From Euphoria.
Dear Google Calandar,
I am sorry to inform you that I will be using you less then we both expected. As much as I love using you and/or paper agendas to write down every little thing that happens in my life it simply can not be done. I’d rather be doing things than writing in that detail, even about all the good things that happen. We’re way past the point where every positive human interaction I have needs to be recorded, date and time and who said what, aren’t we? Whatever the answer, we will be over it now, okay? Don’t feel rejected, for you are a very useful program and I will continue to use you for time management, and to add entries when I feel like it, plus to keep track of school deadlines, events, homework etc. But the time you were taking up before is just too much, so I will be refining my usage. Journaling etc. should be something enjoyable, not stressful. So I’ll agree to let go if you do too, alright?
Love,
Kamilah
Some thoughts on friendship
As difficult as it is to admit, I am finally realizing it is impossible to maintain relationships with every cool person I meet. There are SO MANY outstanding individuals, with unique interests, qualities, strengths and opinions who I enjoy talking to and spending time with out there. Having meaningful relationships takes up a good chunk of time and energy, and I only have so much time and energy. So, I’m learning losing touch with someone doesn’t reflect badly on either of you, it doesn’t mean you dislike each other, or you’ve grown apart, or really anything, it just demonstrates how hard to maintain many relationships at once, no matter how incredible the people you’ve met are, especially if there’s a lot of distance between you. On the other hand, this large world is also a small world, and I believe time will bring you together with at least some of those people again in the future. Even though, I suppose, the longer you live the more fantastic people you’ll have a chance to meet with and connect with. I guess I’m trying to say that all connections between people are valuable, even ones that aren’t followed up with long term friendships. Those relationships make some of the best memories. It’s okay to let go of people, it’s okay to let go period, and that is something I need more practice at (a lot more practice). It also makes the friendships that you maintain all the more special; your energy and time is precious, and choosing to invest it in each other is a special thing, a type of honour you’re bestowing each other with. Plus it’s easy to reconnect with things like facebook, although investing too much of your time and energy into the program/network itself, instead of actual people is good to avoid. It always makes me feel icky to do that, so I’m trying to cut back, and spend my time doing more constructive things, and investing my energy in things I actually care about.