It’s National Eating Disorder Awareness Week so it feels like the appropriate time to talk about why I’ve been on vacation from this blog for the last month.
I dunno. The bulk of it is that I have an eating disorder. My brain just does not work like a normal person’s. I am smart and I can (and have) read about nutrition and coping techniques and gotten all the self knowledge I want to from going to therapy and writing about my life all the time, but none of that was making my ED any more manageable. It wasn’t manageable, and as time went on it got worse and worse.
I went on my first diet when I was in Kindergarten. I remember asking people if they thought I was fat around that time. In high school I realized it felt really good to just skip meals. I wouldn’t eat anything for days, I’d go to hockey practice after school and feel SO powerful that I could exert so much energy that wasn’t coming from anywhere but what I thought was sheer will. Then I’d go home and eat everything in the kitchen because I’d be shaking and dizzy. I’d make up for it by puking or getting up and over exercising in the morning or just by feeling shitty and worthless indefinitely.
This is a really touching story from one of my favourite bloggers talking about their experiences with mental illness and what helped and didn’t and how it didn’t really all make sense but they’re still improving and grateful.