ventisette:

For centuries, ever since the discovery of the option to shave off unwanted facial hair, the moustache has been a symbol of dignity and prestige. Bearers of this magnificent form of facial hair are typically regal or highly intelligent (see Einstein). Interestingly, the owners of upper-lip tresses also often speak with accents. Scientists explain this phenomenon by the theory that the growing hair follicles upon the top lip have deep roots which spread back into the voice box, adding peculiar intonations on people’s voices.

Historically, the female’s inability to grow a moustache has caused horrendous gender inequality. Lack of voting privileges and equal opportunities in the job world for women can easily be traced back to the fact that they cannot produce moustaches as full and as majestic as males can. Small attempts to grow facial hair in women are typically regarded as unattractive because males view them as a threat to their power. The power of wielding a glorious ‘stache, that is.

The most women can do these days is take strands of their worthless head hair and pretend, for a fleeting moment, to share in the triumphant honour and privilege it is to have a moustache.

hahahaha