very hot

I feel like my face is melting. I was riding my bike the other day and I kept scrunching up my nose and for a while I thought it was because I was really concentrating on riding and then I figured out my glasses would slip half way down my face if I didn’t

it is hot and I really don’t want to cook

but I’m starting to feel bad the way I do when I just watch tv all day (well is it all day if you actually had a full day of work first) and don’t eat enough so I should cook but maybe I’ll just eat cereal

I am so hot that I feel almost like I could wash the dishes in hot water in the awkward position that comes from not having a sink in your ‘kitchenette’ and having to use the bathtub or clean out the tiny bathroom sink every couple days because the drain is awful and gross and not even care cause I couldn’t possibly hotter.

On Tuesday as I rode home in what felt like a million degrees with a full backup of groceries and additional bags balanced on each handlebar that only a student would do that.

At the time I didn’t think about how much school costs and how much that sucks but I’m thinking it in retrospect.

I feel creatively inspired almost all the time except I feel stuck behind this wall of needing to organize and clean and cook and fill out my life in a Google calendar because I get stressed out if I don’t but I get stressed when I do sometimes too, and I get so overwhelmed by it all that I don’t know what to do, so I either keep going the way I am or stop and either way I rationalize it a whole lot.

Sometimes taking deep breaths helps but sometimes it doesn’t.

It’s not New Years but who keeps New Year resolutions anyways, maybe I will resolute to be more at peace with myself. Can I do that? Break bad habits and feel less guilty, do things on time so I don’t waste time procrastinating when it often feels like crap anyways. Maybe its a decent goal.

I feel a little better writing. It’s something I haven’t done for a while. Maybe Hannah’s lack of writing her ebook in the last couple hours of television that I absorbed has inspired my to explore my writing side again, even if it’s just through a rambling blog post that doesn’t appeal to the current tumblr demographic.

Has tumblr changed or does it just feel that way to me? I don’t mean changed as in not as good, or as in better, and it’s still one of my favorite places online, but I wonder what it means for a blogging site when a long text post as seen as unusual.

I’m not sure if I feel like talking because of the heat, or because I feel lonely as the year in a town where I don’t know anybody draws to a close. I feel sure of some friendships still, lots by some standards, but they still all feel so far away. After not putting much effort in for a few months, for maybe even most of the time here, I suddenly feel like reaching out to everyone, but I guess I don’t receive as many messages back as I want.

Being alone so much has added an air of difficulty and energy to engaging with people. I have always thought I was an extrovert but maybe I’m not, some days even my coworkers exhaust me. Some days I don’t particularly like answering phone calls and wish everyone just emailed in their questions to me.

Today I feel honest. I wrote kind of but I take it back, I’m almost 21, I can be definitive about some things.

20 is a wonderful and terrifying age, but I think maybe all ages are.

I feel like I have a new idea every day. Designs for tshirts, clever cards and serious reviews, new items for etsy and entire themed blogs (of student art, of daily art, of daily brain teasers that reference pop culture – sometimes I even take the urls), videos and vlogs and explanations of why tomatoes are a fruit and a vegetable and how yams and sweet potatoes differ, videos about nanotechnology and my life.

I always thought I was special, I guess I still do, but I think that’s maybe a fact of human life. I think that’s okay. I wanted my own website when I was like 12.

I just want to calm down and apply myself and work hard and make cool things and feel in love and be close to friends and family, and enjoy the small moments and big ones best I can. It’s not really a ‘just’ sort of want.

I’m going to go eat before I crash. I love you tumblr.