Tag Archives: complex

Complexities of Longing

Remembering people and places I’ve lots touch with makes me wonder if humans were meant to travel wide and far, even amiciably growing a part from people has a sort of pain to it. There is only so much time and energy to put into friendships, and maybe if we didn’t move around so much we would not aquire and shed the way we do, for it is hard to remain close over great distance, especially when years slip by. I do not know why it is I desire to hold on to connections so tightly, although human nature itself is surely the reason in part, I wonder if perhaps the isolation I felt from my peers for some time led my to hold so tight to the friends I made. Sometimes I simply forget, but if I remember, bumping into some trace of what we had, or the person themself, the waves of nostalgia overtake me. It is a strange feeling to be content in the present, and even excited for the future, while still missing the past. However it feels rooted to my extreme disconfort with eternity and mortality, I would like to have forever to explain time in both directions.

Strangely enough, this is probably also why I’m a pack rat, and a compassionate person.

I fail to see…

How sharing the KONY 2012 video or putting up posters and wearing wrist bands will have any positive, lasting effect on the situation in Uganada.

First of all, I don’t think raising awareness in the west is as meaningful, or directly effects, improving the situation in Uganda. As I have said several times before, I don’t think awareness is very usefull unless it’s accompanied by positive action, and the actions the IC is encouraging don’t cut it to me.

Second of all, a large portion of the profits from the sales and donations received by IC go back towards makeing more videos and raising more awareness, although I admit, some goes directly into groundwork, not nearly as much as I would like.

Third of all, I think it is dangerous to perpetuate the idea that North Americans charity is the only way that the situation in Uganada will improve. Although I support non-profits and charities, I think they are only a part of the solution, and a video that portrays white men as coming in and promising to fix everything, seems damaging to me in some ways. In the same way, I think spreading a picture of how Uganada was 4 years ago, in some ways dissvalues the people and organizations, both foreign and Ugandan, which have been working hard to improve the situation there. I know that having a primarily negative video is more motivating for people, but I don’t like being emotionally manipulated, and I would like to see more Ugandan voices and Ugandan’s being empowered, isntead of being conveyed primarily as victims.

Just to be clear, since I’ve recieved this comment a lot, I DO support improving the situation in Uganada through various charities and non-profits. However I DO NOT suppport Invisible Children, because I don’t like the way they divide their funding, I DO NOT support sending more US troops in to Uganda, and I am concerned that their video perpetuates damaging stereotypes and gives a fairly one dimensional representation of the situation, that leads people to believe that the situation is much simpler then it actually is. However, for those of you who have researched and do agree with IC’s policies, and want to help fund them, I think that is great. I am more interested in encouraging people to research the charities they donate to and making their minds up for themselves then I am in changing their minds about the charities they have researched thoroughly already.

I DO support action. I just support, pausing and thinking critically and researching before diving in.

I just read a book.

My copy of tfios has yet to show up, and I haven’t gotten my hands on lola and the boy next door yet either, so today I made the cold, although short, trek to the library. I got a few books, but the one I read is Story of a Girl by Sara Zarr. What can I say except that I sobbed through the majority of the story. The story brought up some of my own fears and I felt myself close to panicking at a few points, but I stayed okay. It’s the story of a girl Deanne Lambert, who slept with her brothers best friend when she was 13 and he was 17. After almost a year of this, her dad caught them together, and he never looked at her the same since. Now she’s 16 and the boys in her school treat her like public property, her brother is a new father with his own problems, and her two best friends are in love with one another. But they make it through you know? There isn’t a flowery ending or a grand conclusion, just small steps taken to try and make things right and move on.

I don’t like hating things, I don’t like to say I hate things even, but I hate that teenagers treat each other like this. It’s so incredibly heartbreaking. What screwed Deanne’s  life was not that she had sex when she was 13. I’m not saying I advocate 13 year olds getting it on, but it wasn’t the ugly thing that it was portrayed at school. She just wanted to feel chosen really, to feel closeness with someone, to have their attention, and that is not a bad thing. What screwed up her life is the way the story was twisted and spread and lingered over, by her classmates and her own father, until she started to believe that was all she was. Pathetic. Trashy. A slut. Yet she wasn’t, she was just a girl, trying to find compassion and love. It’s true that she didn’t find love in Tommy’s 17 year old arms, but that’s all she was really looking for. What right does anyone else have to judge her for that. What right does anyone really have to judge anyone. We just go around in our lives not knowing how to be or what it’s like to be anyone else. But trying to know, trying to feel, trying to understand, I think that’s pretty much the most important thing any of us really ever do. Now I’m tearing up again, but hey, that’s okay. Sometimes I just get scared that we’re not doing it right, we’re wasting all these precious moments we could make things better, but then I take a breath, and say, the only way we can go is forward, so we might as well embrace it and do our best.

And be grateful.

I am so grateful to this author for stirring up these feelings within me so that I am reminded of the things that are most important. So that I can remember to live my life the best I can, even if I’m still scared some of the time. Breaths, one, two three. Breate in and out. I’m also grateful for John Green’s book tfios, even though I haven’t read it yet, because I can feel in my heart from the general themes people have let slip, and the response overall, that it will be a positive and beautiful thing in my life at this time.

It’s okay. Remember to be loving to people, even those who’s choices seem silly, or stupid, or wrong to you, because no matter how smart or experienced or right you are, you still don’t know.

thoughts and feelings mixed together in to a mission

When I say I want to live a hard life I’m being 100% truthful. I mean, I don’t really want to live a hard life in an everyday sense that I’d rather things fall in to place and be happy all the time and all. That’s all jolly good. But on a deeper, and more important level, I want to struggle. I want to feel things in extremes, do thing in extremes, shift the balance of my perspective so that I can see the beauty in every moment, so I appreciate all that there is that is good, so I recognize a need to fight against all that isn’t. I want a life that gives me a perspective so loud that I am compelled to act and think and learn, and create impact. Spend time on things with meaning. When I say I want to live a hard life I mean I want to live a meaningful, interesting, complex life, and that I believe that is impossible without challenges, barriers, difficulties to struggle against. All these things make you grow, reassess, learn, get better, and that’s what I want. So although I would love to watch tv and take easy classes and all of that, I don’t think those desires are as important or as strong as the ones that guide me to do more. To always always always be in motion. and then stop abruptly. To mix things up and do things that are scary and be foolish, which can really be a type of bravery. No I do not want to suffer, but I’m willing to for a good cause. I will cherish complications despite hurt and confusion they may cause. I will accomplish all of this, not by looking for trouble, but by always trying to do more, be more, by trying new things, exploring ideologies, trusting people too much, loving, loving, loving, and sometimes just being. This whirring in my head and heart is summarized nicely by a dear, dear man.

“Live life.” -Rod Osiowy

So now I’ve set myself this challenge. I hope it’ll keep me on track in a good way.